Occupy Wall Street Jokes:

Q: Out of money, an OWS protester uses an ATM and it asks if he will accept a $1 fee. He knows the money will just go to a greedy, corrupt bank. Does he hit “Yes”?
A: Sure, it’s his parents’ card anyway.

Q: What is the least heard question at Occupy Wall Street?
A: Can I borrow your soap”

Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.
A weary OWS protester returns to college.
Roommate: “How are you?”
Protester: “Not so great. I have body lice, the flu, and a screaming case of gonorrhea.”
Roommate: “You caught the flu?”

Q: What’s the difference between Barack Obama’s nebulous whatever-you-want-it-to-mean 2008 campaign and OWS?
A: Three years.

Q: What’s the difference between intentionally provoking a caged bear in a zoo and intentionally provoking a tired cop in Manhattan?
A: Bearbaiting is illegal.

Q: What’s the difference between Rick Perry and the aimlessness of OWS?
A: Rick Perry is debatable.

Q: What’s the difference between the NBA and OWS?
A: People are waiting for one to come back and for the other to go away.

Q: What’s the difference between soccer and OWS?
A: Goals.

Q: What do the OWSers stand for?
A: They’re pro-lice.

Q: What’s the difference between a puppy and a occupy wall street protester?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

A woman runs up to a cop and says, “Help me, I was just raped by an OWS protester.”
Cop says, “How do you know he was an OWS protester.”
Woman says, “I had to help.

Top 10 Occupy Wall Street Cartoons:

She exploded and demanded to know  why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly  aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop  without even breakfast.”
The clerk told her that  $250.00  is the ‘standard rate’ so she insisted on speaking to the  Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned  by the desk clerk announced: “The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a  huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

“Well, they are here, and  you could have,” explained the  Manager.

He went on to explain that she  could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is  famous. “We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and  Aberdeen performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any  of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could  have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager  mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use  it!”

The Manager was unmoved, so she  decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The  Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  “But madam,  this check is only made out for $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged  you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she  replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the very  surprised Manager..

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you  could have.”

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her Complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks To file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:

“What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “It’s Frank. The midget.”

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change……I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”  (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. In Redmond WA )

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule .”  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”   (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”  (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree..

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!