Taking the last bit of food– a carrot– from the kitchen, she lead the donkey to the local track. She tied the carrot in front of the donkey and bet all the money she had on the beast. The donkey was so hungry that it ran after the carrot and won first place. The odds were so low on the Donkey that she walked away with thousands of dollars. The story made the front page.

Nun’s Ass wins First Place!

Upon seeing this, the local cardinal immedeately found the nun and told her that she had committed a grave sin by gambling, and that she should take care of the news headline. The nun went to the local press the next morning and talked to the editor about it. After a while, the editor agreed to print a story rectifying the situation. The papers the next morning read,

Cardinal is Disturbed upon seeing Nun’s Ass at the Track

Upon seeing this, the Cardinal was furious. He went to the nun and demanded that she get rid of the donkey at once. He didn’t care how. The nun, thinking that it could at least serve God by getting some money, sold it to a local farmer, who happened to be the brother of the editor-in-cheif. The papers the next morning read,

Nun Peddles Ass on Street Corner

The cardinal was found dead that afternoon of a heart attack.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750″
Man – “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy – “$1,000″

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when  the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next  Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.

In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?”

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just  could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.

When the priest slid open the panel in the Confessional, The man said: ‘Father … During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.’
The priest replied: ‘That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.’
‘There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’
The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question.’

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?”

He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him.

He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue.

When the nuns came to him, one said, ”Look! A new soap dispenser!”

Another said, ”How you get the soap?”

So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand. ‘

‘Look! I got a bar of soap!” said the nun.

The second nun pulled on his dick. ”Look! I got liquid soap!”

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist, and 34″ hips.  When she walks into a room,  people say,  “Oh My God.”

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.”

“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.

“Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission”

“Do you mean like this??” He touches her arm.

“Yes father.”

“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father he also touched my breasts.”

“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.

“Yes father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father, he took off my clothes.”

“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.

“Yes father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”

“Like this??” He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

“Yes father,” she says sometime later.

“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”

“But father, he has AIDS.”

“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!”

Of course, Satan immediately realized the error. He was quite displeased, so he set about to rectify the situation at once.

Nevertheless, relations between Heaven and Hell being what they are, it took a full day for the trade to be arranged.

When the Pope heard he was going to Heaven after all, he was much relieved, but being the caring soul he was, he was worried that Bill would be upset at the change. So when they met halfway, the Pope said,

“Mr. Clinton, I know you must be very disappointed, but you know I did live eighty years of a clean life bound to God, so that I could claim my Reward and kneel at the feet of the Virgin.”

And Bill, grinning, replies, “Well, Your Holiness, I’m afraid you’re a little too late for that!”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest questions, “Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail “Mary’s.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes!”