1% liked the warmth

2% liked the sensation

3% liked the eroticism

94% just liked the peace and quiet

The  first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a  condom?”

Donald  frowned and said, “No.”

Daisy told Donald that if  he didn’t get a condom,  they  could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at  the front desk,” she  suggested.

So  Donald went down to the lobby  and asked  the hotel clerk if they had  condoms.

“Yes,  we do,” the clerk said and  pulled  a box out from under the counter and  gave  it to Donald.

The  clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them  on  your bill?”

“Thit  No!”  Donald quacked, “I’ll  thuffocate!”

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself  “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher:  “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

First Sara Silverman tells Jimmy Kimmel that she is F*@#ing Matt Damon:

Then Jimmy Kimmel Responds:

Moishe says: “But the girl is  Bill Gates’ daughter”.
The son answers: “Well, in that case, yes  ok”.

Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: “I have a  husband for your daughter”.
Bill Gates answers: “But my daughter is too  young to get married”!

Moishe says: “But this young man is a  vice-president of the World Bank”.

Bill Gates answers: “Ah, in that  case, yes ok”.

Finally Moishe goes to see the president of  the World Bank. Moishe says: “I have a young man to be recommended as  a vice-president”.

The president answers: “But I already have  more vice-presidents than I need”.

Moishe says: “But  this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law”.

The President  answers: “Ah, in that case, yes ok.”

And that is how  successful Jews do business…

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods