Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20′ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis 3:10..’

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.

Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’

Each time the lights would go out,  the place would erupt into  cheers.

However, when the revelers saw  the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked  up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please  use the  restroom?

The  bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you  that there is a statue of a naked man in there  wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in  that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said  the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the  back of the restaurant.

After a few  minutes, she came back out, and the whole place   stopped just long enough to give the nun a  loud round of  applause.

She  went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t  understand. Why did they applaud for me just  because I went to the  restroom?’

Well,  now they know you’re one of us,’ said the  bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No  thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said  the puzzled  nun.

‘You see,’ laughed  the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the   fig leaf on that statue, the lights  go out.

Now, how about that  drink?’

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb..We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus…Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, …….circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”  A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest:”How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times.  We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there **WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !**

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home…and left it there all night.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750″
Man – “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy – “$1,000″

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like
that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that..’

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Neely, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any”, she replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight”, she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived the bitches”.

When the priest slid open the panel in the Confessional, The man said: ‘Father … During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.’
The priest replied: ‘That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.’
‘There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’
The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question.’

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?”