Make-up and hair style ………………. $500

New dress for the show ………………$700

Giant stuffed bear ……………………… $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand …..Priceless!!!

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too?”

“No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.”

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own f***ing blanket.’

After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.

The End

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.

The  first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a  condom?”

Donald  frowned and said, “No.”

Daisy told Donald that if  he didn’t get a condom,  they  could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at  the front desk,” she  suggested.

So  Donald went down to the lobby  and asked  the hotel clerk if they had  condoms.

“Yes,  we do,” the clerk said and  pulled  a box out from under the counter and  gave  it to Donald.

The  clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them  on  your bill?”

“Thit  No!”  Donald quacked, “I’ll  thuffocate!”

The nervous sergeant said, ‘Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have Molly the Camel.

The Captain said, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I can understand about the ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’ Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel. When he’s done, he asked the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?’

‘No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That’s where the girls are.”

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly – “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure!” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The barkeep said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:

‘I’m here to put you all into a trance – I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

As the polished metal gleamed in the light, Claude the hypnotist said:

‘I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch…

It’s a very special watch…

It’s been in my family for six generations’.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

‘Watch the watch,  watch the watch,  watch the watch…’

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

‘SHIT!’ said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home…

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do..

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both George and Dave  was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but George and  Dave managed to get through it. After a while,George and Dave ‘s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and George and  Dave began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

So Brenden went first and came back with 10 banannas, the leader said “ok now i shove them up your ass and if you make one sound i will kill you.”

He got to the 3rd bannana and brenden started screaming so the leader killed him.

Then Zakk said i’ll go and he left and came back with 10 berries and the leader shoved them up his ass they got to the 9th berrie and Zakk started laughing so the leader killed him.

Then Brenden’s and Zakk’s souls rise out of there body toward heaven and Breden asked zakk “why did you laugh you could’ve lived?” and Zakk replied with a big smile on his face “man i couldn’t help it when i saw Dustin running over the hill with 10 pineapples.”
Submitted by Kristen