You are going to die anyway, so live life.

They also try to avoid natural foods as most people die from natural diseases, and deep frying will kill all the germs.

So here it is!

The Southerner’s Medical Dictionary

Artery………………………. The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………………… What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………… What you be, after you be eight
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan………………….. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………. Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………. To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent…………………..Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates……………………. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………… I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………. Damn near killed him
Secretion…………………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine………………………. Opposite of you’re out

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge..

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIREDBOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,
WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL …

“YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, “IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

“WHAT DID YOU TEACH???”

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time &  the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns & whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll  throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s  different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I replied..

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked: “Your height?”
“5 feet, 6 inches,” I answered.

The nurse checked and saw that
I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.

She then took my blood pressure
and told me that it’s very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed.
“When I came in here
I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac..

What a bitch!

“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.

“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So,Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients… “The first one had a headache so he did…So I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor…

“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon… So I did sir” says Murphy…

“Bravo, bravo!…You’re good at this and what about the third one?”Asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does… Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick…For five years I have not seen any man!’”

“Tunderin’ lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?”Asks the doctor… ? ?

“I put drops in her eyes”

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, ‘Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?’

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, ‘I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, ‘What did he say about your 55-year old ass?’

‘Your name never came up,’ she replied.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart t hen closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.