After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

“IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied,

“No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

Far from it, snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yards, par 5 -with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life.  I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hit a bird in mid-flight.

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate!  But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

To fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother

‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched
in his paws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘No, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,fixed on the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, “Many years ago  there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she  Asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to Live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
Had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t bloody recognize you.”

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95 and Windows Vista. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”

Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.” Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.

Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

God says, “That was the screen saver”.

Of course, Satan immediately realized the error. He was quite displeased, so he set about to rectify the situation at once.

Nevertheless, relations between Heaven and Hell being what they are, it took a full day for the trade to be arranged.

When the Pope heard he was going to Heaven after all, he was much relieved, but being the caring soul he was, he was worried that Bill would be upset at the change. So when they met halfway, the Pope said,

“Mr. Clinton, I know you must be very disappointed, but you know I did live eighty years of a clean life bound to God, so that I could claim my Reward and kneel at the feet of the Virgin.”

And Bill, grinning, replies, “Well, Your Holiness, I’m afraid you’re a little too late for that!”

“Hey, you know anything about parachutes?” he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: “No… you know anything about Coleman stoves?”