Slay.me » Irish Jokes http://slay.me Serious times call for serious laughter Mon, 23 Apr 2012 22:36:12 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 The Happy Mexican Grandfather http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-happy-mexican-grandfather http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-happy-mexican-grandfather#comments Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:37:17 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1665 A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

All the hispanic facilities were full, so they had to put him in an Irish home.

After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

How do you like it here? asks the grandson..

It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abuelo says with a big smile.

There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!

There’s a judge here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!

There’s a dentist here — he’s 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!

And me –  I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me the ‘Fucking Mexican’!

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-happy-mexican-grandfather/feed 0 The Mother of All Ethnic Jokes http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-mother-of-all-ethnic-jokes http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-mother-of-all-ethnic-jokes#comments Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:51:13 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1556 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a  Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani,an Amish, a Romanian, a Chilean, an Eskimo, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans

walk into a fine restaurant….

The maître d’ scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying:

“Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-mother-of-all-ethnic-jokes/feed 0 The Reverend John Fluff http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-reverend-john-fluff http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-reverend-john-fluff#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:29:56 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1484 Slay.me Joke of the DayThe Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly – “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure!” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The barkeep said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-reverend-john-fluff/feed 0 St. Patrick’s Day Jokes http://slay.me/funny-jokes/irish-jokes/st-patricks-day-jokes-2 http://slay.me/funny-jokes/irish-jokes/st-patricks-day-jokes-2#comments Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:04:26 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1479 Funny LeprechaunPaddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” the man replied.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this..   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians. ”

Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians! ” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney.   “Where are ye callin’ from?”

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie , “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch!   What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Patton said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

]]> http://slay.me/funny-jokes/irish-jokes/st-patricks-day-jokes-2/feed 0 The Scottish Golf Club http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-scottish-golf-club http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-scottish-golf-club#comments Wed, 09 Mar 2011 14:16:30 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1463 Slay.me Joke of the DayAn elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.

So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a total prick to join a golf club.

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-scottish-golf-club/feed 0 The Irish Painter and the Gallery http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-irish-painter-and-the-gallery http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-irish-painter-and-the-gallery#comments Fri, 04 Mar 2011 12:47:54 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1457 Slay.me Joke of the DayA couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple   were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society”.

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple   and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?”, asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They’re just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-irish-painter-and-the-gallery/feed 0 An Irish Tradition http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/an-irish-tradition http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/an-irish-tradition#comments Tue, 08 Feb 2011 16:27:53 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1442 Slay.me Joke of the DayPaddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake.  Paddy stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled brown eyes and said, “That would be because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen.  You were born in August, you idiot.

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/an-irish-tradition/feed 0 The British Airways Flight Joke http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-british-airways-flight-joke http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-british-airways-flight-joke#comments Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:00:18 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1078 Slay.me Joke of the DayThis is your Captain speaking …

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain ..Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto.

The weather ahead is good, so we  should have a smooth uneventful flight.  So sit back,relax and….. OH, MY GOD !

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.

You should see the front of my pants!’

One Irish passenger yelled, ‘be jezis you should see the back of mine! ‘

_____

-Submitted by Ellae E – Thanks!

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-british-airways-flight-joke/feed 0 The Last Wish of the Irishman Joke – Happy St. Patrick’s Day! http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-last-wish-of-the-irishman http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-last-wish-of-the-irishman#comments Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:27:49 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1049 Slay.me Joke of the DayTwo Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.

“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”

O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.  Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-last-wish-of-the-irishman/feed 0 The Irish Doctor and the Horney Patient http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-irish-doctor-and-the-horney-patient http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-irish-doctor-and-the-horney-patient#comments Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:46:37 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=917 Slay.me Joke of the DayA doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.

“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So,Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients… “The first one had a headache so he did…So I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor…

“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon… So I did sir” says Murphy…

“Bravo, bravo!…You’re good at this and what about the third one?”Asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does… Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick…For five years I have not seen any man!’”

“Tunderin’ lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?”Asks the doctor… ? ?

“I put drops in her eyes”

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