Slay.me » Jewish Jokes http://slay.me Serious times call for serious laughter Mon, 23 Apr 2012 22:36:12 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 The Two Beggars http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-two-beggers http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-two-beggers#comments Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:50:13 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1804 Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-two-beggers/feed 0 Passover vs Easter http://slay.me/funny-videos/passover-vs-easter http://slay.me/funny-videos/passover-vs-easter#comments Tue, 10 Apr 2012 22:11:36 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1796

]]> http://slay.me/funny-videos/passover-vs-easter/feed 0 Why Jewish Men Enjoy Oral Sex http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/why-jewish-men-enjoy-oral-sex http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/why-jewish-men-enjoy-oral-sex#comments Mon, 27 Feb 2012 14:30:58 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1750 5,000 Jewish men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

1% liked the warmth

2% liked the sensation

3% liked the eroticism

94% just liked the peace and quiet

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/why-jewish-men-enjoy-oral-sex/feed 0 The Jewish Parrot http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-jewish-parrot http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-jewish-parrot#comments Mon, 20 Feb 2012 03:30:12 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1743 Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: “Quawwwwk…vus macht du…!”

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn’t believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?”

In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot…in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer’s shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.

All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed…but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said “Pray, parrot! You can pray…do it now while everybody’s looking at you!” The parrot said nothing.

After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. “You miserable bird…you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah…Why did you do this to me?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-jewish-parrot/feed 0 The Parking Space http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-parking-space http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-parking-space#comments Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:00:22 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1662 Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-parking-space/feed 0 Mexican Jews http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/mexican-jews http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/mexican-jews#comments Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:21:17 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1619 Two retired Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in L.A. Sid asks Al, ‘Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?

Al replies, ‘I don’t know; let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?’ The waiter says, ‘I don’t know senor; I ask the cooks.

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes& says, ‘No, senor; the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied& asks, ‘Are you absolutely sure?

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos’ replies, ‘I check once again, senor!’ `He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, ‘I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns& says, ‘Senor, the head cook Juan say there is no Mexican Jews.’ ‘Are you certain?’ Al asks again. ‘I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”SENOR, I asked EVERYONE,’ replies the exasperated waiter.

‘All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews .

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/mexican-jews/feed 0 Jewish Modesty http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/jewish-modesty http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/jewish-modesty#comments Wed, 19 Oct 2011 22:20:33 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1591 A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune….I am going to buy Apple!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy Exxon!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince…. I intend to purchase Google!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak….

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of  his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I’m not selling!!!…”

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/jewish-modesty/feed 0 The Thirsty Taliban & The Jewish Merchant http://slay.me/funny-videos/taliban-and-jewish-merchant http://slay.me/funny-videos/taliban-and-jewish-merchant#comments Sat, 27 Aug 2011 14:00:34 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1547 A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.   It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

]]> http://slay.me/funny-videos/taliban-and-jewish-merchant/feed 0 The Growing Jewish Vagina http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-growing-jewish-vagina http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-growing-jewish-vagina#comments Wed, 24 Aug 2011 11:59:36 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1540 A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.”
All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says,

“You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away…
Over 45 cents?”
Now that’s a Jewish mother!!!

]]> http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-growing-jewish-vagina/feed 0 The Jewish Poker Game http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-jewish-poker-game http://slay.me/joke-of-the-day/the-jewish-poker-game#comments Sat, 12 Mar 2011 14:00:06 +0000 jokes http://slay.me/?p=1007 Slay.me Joke of the DaySix retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo Clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and Drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, But standing up..

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna Tell his Vife?”

They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any Worse.

“Discreet?  I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet.  Discretion is my Middle Name.  Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door.

The wife Answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is Afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.*

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