Slay.me

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

May I help you sir?”  she asked.

The man replied,  “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Great Falls.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Great Falls.”

“I know.” the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death

2.  Taxes; and

3.  Being screwed by a lawyer

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy businessman received a letter from the IRS. They will be conducting an audit. It really upsets him and he calls his accountant, Saul Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”’

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice.
When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.”

Then Myron called his lawyer, Charlie Steinberg. His Lawyer said: “Myron, it’s no problem, I’m sure everything is up to date. You’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. But let me give you a tip. When you go to the audit, it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your best shirt with a silk tie and cufflinks and shine your shoes. Look important, because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. That night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli and he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe…cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy”.

“Myron I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fucked!”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer : “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies : “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just love lawyers?