Slay.me

Two beggars were sitting on the street in Philadelphia.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness the Pope.

He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.

After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country.

“This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.

“In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:

“Bernie, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, “Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Nescafe man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

“My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”

The Nescafe guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer… We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.”

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

“There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”

“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the WonderBread account.”

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest.. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”  (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. In Redmond WA )

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule .”  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”   (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”  (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)