He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman.. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: ‘Well… I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his friggin’ wife.”

He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asks … “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

‘For God’s sake, Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to  Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for  the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another  holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter  escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion,  furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a  waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging  their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment  when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ‘Why,  nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf  course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony..

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can play for free,  every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with  every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks  to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is  all free for you to enjoy.’

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the  decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can eat and  drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get  fat or sick.   This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your fucking Bran Flakes.   We could have been here ten years ago !!!!

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine:
‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourselfspending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she Takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

“Hey, Mike! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Mike. “He’s in my bowling league.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Mike if he’d like his usual and Brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have A Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Mike, Starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Mikie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Mike’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Mike follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Mike tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken Him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

“Geez Mike, you picked up a real bitch This time.”

Mike’s funeral will be on Tuesday.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names’.

The elderly lady hung her head and said, ‘I have to tell you the truth, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.’

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own f***ing blanket.’

After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.

The End

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.