Slay.me

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack.

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.  “I’m dying
here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on
the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband.  “Everybody’s already agreed to let
him play through.”

A large, powerfully-built guy meets  a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That”s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”

She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder”s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That”s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?”

She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

An old guy walks into  a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch.  The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference.  The guy downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old!  I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.  The guy drinks it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch.  I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.   By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.  Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, “Now this is forty-year old Scotch!”  The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this.”

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God!  That tastes like piss,” he yells.

“Great guess,” says the drunk.  “Now, how old am I?”