Slay.me

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Neely, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any”, she replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight”, she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived the bitches”.

It was 1965 & an elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the Confessional, The man said: ‘Father … During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.’
The priest replied: ‘That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.’
‘There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’
The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’

‘Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question.’

‘And what is that?’ asked the priest.

‘Should I tell her the war is over?”

It so happens that the Pope and Bill Clinton died at the same time. There was a mix-up, and the Pope was sent to Hell and Clinton went to Heaven.

Of course, Satan immediately realized the error. He was quite displeased, so he set about to rectify the situation at once.

Nevertheless, relations between Heaven and Hell being what they are, it took a full day for the trade to be arranged.

When the Pope heard he was going to Heaven after all, he was much relieved, but being the caring soul he was, he was worried that Bill would be upset at the change. So when they met halfway, the Pope said,

“Mr. Clinton, I know you must be very disappointed, but you know I did live eighty years of a clean life bound to God, so that I could claim my Reward and kneel at the feet of the Virgin.”

And Bill, grinning, replies, “Well, Your Holiness, I’m afraid you’re a little too late for that!”