Archive for the ‘Blonde Jokes’ Category

01
Sep

The Blonde Mortician

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The Blonde Mortician

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit’, she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

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14
Jul

The Stranded Irshman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, Ahh “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

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03
Jul

Blonde Men Jokes

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
————————————Dumb Blond Jokes
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
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A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND .”
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
“My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.
“No,” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
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A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
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A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy!” he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“It should be around your neck,” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
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(This one actually makes sense…sort of…lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

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