Archive for the ‘God Jokes’ Category

23
Mar

Saint Peter’s Crazy Day

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.  She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.  I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.  He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.  It hit the man and killed him.

At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.  I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know,” replies the man.  “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…

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26
Apr

Skipping Church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said,

“No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE !

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

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15
Dec

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies,  “I believe you’re in my seat.”

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