23
Jan

My Harley Accident


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost
control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and
confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a
shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

“Are you okay?” As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut
blouse with cleavage to die for.

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like
me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I
feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so
I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t
know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”

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01
May

The Arab and the Jewish Genie


An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.

It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab.
‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a goner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that
the genie was right.
‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

* * * * * * * P O O F!* * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.

Best you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says,
‘I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will always need and want me!’

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie,
there’s bound to be a string attached.

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04
Apr

Advice for an IRS Audit


Myron Greenberg, a wealthy businessman received a letter from the IRS. They will be conducting an audit. It really upsets him and he calls his accountant, Saul Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”’

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice.
When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.”

Then Myron called his lawyer, Charlie Steinberg. His Lawyer said: “Myron, it’s no problem, I’m sure everything is up to date. You’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. But let me give you a tip. When you go to the audit, it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your best shirt with a silk tie and cufflinks and shine your shoes. Look important, because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. That night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli and he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe…cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy”.

“Myron I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fucked!”

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