Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes’ Category

07
Feb

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend it on a hooker.”

Are you crazy, gave it up years ago. Look at me, no one would have sex with me.”

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, sex and golf.”

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18
Jan

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.

It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.

Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

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01
Nov

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.  The man, who was a Priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting impatient, said.  “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

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