Archive for the ‘Scottish Jokes’ Category

02
Sep

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a  Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani,an Amish, a Romanian, a Chilean, an Eskimo, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans

walk into a fine restaurant….

The maître d’ scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying:

“Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

09
Mar

Slay.me Joke of the DayAn elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.

So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a total prick to join a golf club.

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26
Apr

Slay.me Joke of the DayThe Swede’s wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?”, Ole demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” she replied.

The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”

She replied, “I can’t afford any on the little money you give me.”

Patrick reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, here’s a $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.

“Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?”

She too explained, ‘You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..”

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