Slay.me

Mike works hard at nothing but spends two nights each week bowling, And plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she Takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

“Hey, Mike! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Mike. “He’s in my bowling league.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Mike if he’d like his usual and Brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have A Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Mike, Starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Mikie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Mike’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Mike follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Mike tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken Him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

“Geez Mike, you picked up a real bitch This time.”

Mike’s funeral will be on Tuesday.

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.  During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost. It’s a man thing.