Archive for the ‘Funeral Jokes’ Category

02
Feb

Joke of the DayA guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section — but he didn’t care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.

The guy replies, “No, because my wife just died.”

“Well,” says the first man, “why didn’t you just bring a friend or relative?”

The guy replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”

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29
Sep

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road. The local Methodist vicar appeared at the brothel door and quickly went inside. “Wouldja look at that!” said the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch a hypocrites they are?”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door, knocked, and went inside. “Another one tryin’ to fool everyone with pious preachin’ and stupid hats!” said the second Irishman.

The three continued drinking their beers, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi. Then they saw their own Catholic priest knock on the brothel door. “Ah, now dat’s sad,” said the third Irishman. “One a the gerls musta died.”

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12
Feb

Mike works hard at nothing but spends two nights each week bowling, And plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she Takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

“Hey, Mike! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Mike. “He’s in my bowling league.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Mike if he’d like his usual and Brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have A Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Mike, Starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Mikie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Mike’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Mike follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Mike tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken Him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

“Geez Mike, you picked up a real bitch This time.”

Mike’s funeral will be on Tuesday.

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