Archive for the ‘Jewish Jokes’ Category

01
May

The Arab and the Jewish Genie

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.

It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab.
‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a goner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that
the genie was right.
‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

* * * * * * * P O O F!* * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.

Best you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says,
‘I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will always need and want me!’

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie,
there’s bound to be a string attached.

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04
Apr

Advice for an IRS Audit

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy businessman received a letter from the IRS. They will be conducting an audit. It really upsets him and he calls his accountant, Saul Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”’

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice.
When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.”

Then Myron called his lawyer, Charlie Steinberg. His Lawyer said: “Myron, it’s no problem, I’m sure everything is up to date. You’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. But let me give you a tip. When you go to the audit, it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your best shirt with a silk tie and cufflinks and shine your shoes. Look important, because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. That night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli and he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe…cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy”.

“Myron I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fucked!”

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21
Sep

The Jewish Elbow

Slay.me Joke of the DayA Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What…you coming empty handed?”

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