Slay.me

A  U.S. Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note

from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

‘Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.  They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point:  No Jews please.’

8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four smiling black officers.  Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,

‘There must be some mistake.’

‘No, Madam,’ said the first officer.

‘Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.’

A Jewish couple in London won twenty-million pounds in the lottery.

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch.

The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for six.

Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.

The butler replied, “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes.

Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.

“Abie, we have to move to Westchester ,” said Sadie.

“We can’t”, said Abie. “This neighborhood is our life. We’ve been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too.”

Sadie says, What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We’re Jews. No Catholic articles!!!”

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, “OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue .”

Abie: “Hello, Catholic Supply House on Park Avenue ? This is Abie And Sadie’s on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads – what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes… and I need those things here tomorrow.”

“OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don’t deliver… …it’s Shabbos.”