Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”
Two retired Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in L.A. Sid asks Al, ‘Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?
Al replies, ‘I don’t know; let’s ask our waiter.’
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?’ The waiter says, ‘I don’t know senor; I ask the cooks.
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes& says, ‘No, senor; the cook say no Mexican Jews.’
Al isn’t satisfied& asks, ‘Are you absolutely sure?
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with Gringos’ replies, ‘I check once again, senor!’ `He goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, ‘I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.’
The waiter returns& says, ‘Senor, the head cook Juan say there is no Mexican Jews.’ ‘Are you certain?’ Al asks again. ‘I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”SENOR, I asked EVERYONE,’ replies the exasperated waiter.
‘All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews .
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune….I am going to buy Apple!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy Exxon!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince…. I intend to purchase Google!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I’m not selling!!!…”