Slay.me

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

You are going to die anyway, so live life.

They also try to avoid natural foods as most people die from natural diseases, and deep frying will kill all the germs.

So here it is!

The Southerner’s Medical Dictionary

Artery………………………. The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………………… What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………… What you be, after you be eight
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan………………….. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………. Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………. To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent…………………..Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates……………………. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………… I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………. Damn near killed him
Secretion…………………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine………………………. Opposite of you’re out

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge..

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIREDBOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,
WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL …

“YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, “IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

“WHAT DID YOU TEACH???”