Archive for the ‘Lawyer Jokes’ Category

04
Apr

Advice for an IRS Audit

Myron Greenberg, a wealthy businessman received a letter from the IRS. They will be conducting an audit. It really upsets him and he calls his accountant, Saul Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”’

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice.
When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.”

Then Myron called his lawyer, Charlie Steinberg. His Lawyer said: “Myron, it’s no problem, I’m sure everything is up to date. You’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. But let me give you a tip. When you go to the audit, it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your best shirt with a silk tie and cufflinks and shine your shoes. Look important, because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. That night he bumped into his Rabbi at the Deli and he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe…cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out — look a little sexy”.

“Myron I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fucked!”

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24
Oct

The Mafia Lawyer and the Deaf Bookkeeper

Joke of the DayA Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer : “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies : “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just love lawyers?

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07
Oct

The Lawyer and His 911 Porsche

Joke of the DayA very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how
any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,

“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said, “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OHH, MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer. . . “My Rolex!”

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