Archive for the ‘Birthday Jokes’ Category

19
Nov

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night
and  sarcastically asked,
“Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?”
I said,  “There’s a tap underneath, taste it.”

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a  few pounds, got a shave,
and got your hair cut, you’d look pretty  good.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be over there talking to your friends.”

***

I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks
and saw a fat  chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled  and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely, most  tables would have collapsed by now. ”

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on  then…  try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose  patience.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”

, , ,

05
Jan

Yesterday was my birthday And I didn’t feel very well Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you, But the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday! ‘

It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, When Jane knocked on my door And said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, S0 What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go Where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously…

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…. We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’

0K

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘ Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ……..

Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

, , , ,

17
May

Slay.me Joke of the DayOne day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my way, I  passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was  more  than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

 

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

 

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:

 

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’

 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned  and  went to answer the call.

 

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It  was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

 

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink was worse than cooked cabbage..

 

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,  I went on like this for another few minutes..

 

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more  times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself.

 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests  seated around the table chorused: ‘Happy Birthday!’

 

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

, , ,