Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category

23
Mar

Saint Peter’s Crazy Day

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.  She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.  I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.  He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.  It hit the man and killed him.

At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.  I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”Saint Peter couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know,” replies the man.  “Picture this, I’m naked, hiding in this cedar chest…

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17
Feb

Beer Drinking Men

WOMAN:    DO YOU DRINK BEER?

MAN:    YES

WOMAN  :     HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?

MAN:    USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN:    HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

MAN:    $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

WOMAN:    AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

MAN:    ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN:    SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR   SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450.    IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN:    CORRECT

WOMAN:    IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION,  THE  PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?

MAN:    CORRECT

WOMAN:    DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY   COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

MAN:    DO YOU DRINK BEER?

WOMAN:    NO.

MAN:    WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?

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22
Jan

Super Bowl Joke

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED… A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2020 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and $400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn’t realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place… It’s at St Paul’s Church, in Orlando at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She’s 5’4″, about 115 lbs, and a good cook too. She loves to fish and hunt. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

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