Archive for the ‘Masturbation Jokes’ Category


jokeoftheday-santaIn a Jewish retirement home lived Murray and Hilda. They got to know each other over time and spent long hours getting to know each other.  Eventually, they became a couple, sitting together in the sun
every afternoon, holding hands…

One day Murray says to Hilda, “I know we’re to old to “do it” but another thing I really miss is having the woman in my life just holding my penis in her hands.  Makes me feel wanted and loved.”

Hilda say, “Sure, I would love to do that.”

So, time goes on and every afternoon the two of them sit out by the pool on a chaise lounge with Hilda tenderly holding Murray’s pecker in her hands…. Every day, every afternoon.

One day, going to meet for their afternoon session, Hilda can’t find Murray anywhere. She looks everywhere and asks everyone if they’ve seen him… No one’s seen him.

So, Hilda goes back by the pool area and decides to look in the poolside cabanas in the off chance he fell asleep…. She looks inside a few of them and lo and behold, she finds Murray inside with Sarah, sitting
together, with Murray’s pecker firmly in  Sarah’s hand……

Well, Hilda is outraged.  She starts screaming at the both of them, so much so that Sarah runs away… She then confronts Murray, wanting to
know why he betrayed her this was.  Murray had nothing to say, just took the verbal abuse….

Finally, Hilda summoned up all her nerve and screamed, “What’s Sarah go that I haven’t got?”

Murray composed himself, and finally said:


, , , , ,


An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $4.00
CHEESEBURGER: $9.00golfer handjob
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

Will the old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

, , , , , , , , ,


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

, , , , ,