jokes's page

14
May

The Problem with the Media Today

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

 

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. 

 

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 

A reporter has watched the whole event.  The reporter addressing the biker says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’  The biker replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’   The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?” 

 

The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.

 

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

 

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

14
May

No Parent Left Behind

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact:

 

  1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him
  2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
  3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face
  7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  10.  Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  11.  Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahre dyrea direathe the shits. 
  12.  Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
  13.  Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  14.  Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
  15.  I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
  16.  Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
  17.  Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  18.  My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
  19.  Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  20.  Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 
  21.  Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  22.  Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
  23.  Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also  sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

14
May

Joke of the Day: Social Worker Joke

Slay.me Joke of the DayA social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

 

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. ‘Anybody home?’ she asked. ‘Yep,’ came a kid’s voice through the door.

 

‘Is your father there?’ asked the social worker.
‘Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,’ said the kid.

 

‘Well, is your mother there?’ persisted the social worker.
‘Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,’ said the kid.

 

‘But,’ protested the social worker, ‘are you never together as a family?’

 

‘Sure, but not here,’ said the kid through the door, this is our outhouse!”

,