Slay.me

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Staff:       Golf course , may I help you?
Caller:    What are your green fees?
Staff:     38 dollars.
Caller:   Does that include golf?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you.  First, is this
your correct phone number?

Staff:       Golf course , may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, we have a   tee time   for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late.  Can you still get me out early?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of
golf balls   and hit them for practice?
Staff:     You mean a   driving range ?
Caller:   No, that’s not it..,,,

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I’d like to get a   tee time tomorrow   between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff:      Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller:    Yes.
Staff:      We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Do you have any   open tee times   around 10 o’clock?
Staff:      Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller:    What’s the next time after that?
Staff:      We have one at 10:22.
Caller:    We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   How much to play golf today?
Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller:   38 dollars?
Staff:     No, 38 yen.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff:     What time would you like?
Caller:   What times do you have?
Staff:     What time of the day?
Caller:   Any time.
Staff:     Morning or afternoon?
Caller:   Whenever.
Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon.  Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller:   No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a dress code?
Staff:     Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller:   How about clothes?
Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff:     Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff:     Sure, what time would you like?
Caller:   Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock.  In the morning, if possible.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you rent   golf clubs   there?
Staff:     Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller:   How much to rent a bag?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s
on the 15th hole.  How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a large bucket?
Staff:     Four dollars.
Caller:   Does that include the balls?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff:     Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller:   And what time does that start?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?
Caller:   I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.  Would you like to buy them back?