Slay.me

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey , what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, it’s CHICKEN!”

At dawn the telephone rings,

“Hello, Señor Rod? This  is Ernesto, the caretaker  at your country house.”

“Ah  yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I  am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn!

That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he  die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the  water cart.”

“Are you insane?? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle  fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?? Are you  saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!”

“Yes, Señor Rod..”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!  What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Rod”, she  showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit  her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . ..

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!”

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken  English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number  “266419”.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he  opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:  “Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?””