Slay.me

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to live. The damage was confined to your pubic area, there was no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’

‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.

‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive  buckshot damage done to your penis.   I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’

‘Oh, well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’

‘Not exactly,’ answered the doctor.

‘She’s a flute player in the local symphony and she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.’

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he, says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?”  and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad”  and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked,  “what gives?  Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?”

The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”