Slay.me

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

”I am so sorry Bob.  I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, more than you.  I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect.  I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of  breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt.  I’ll explain later.’

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,   Sister, have you seen a soldier?’

The nun replied, ‘He went that way.’

After the MP’s ran off, the soldier  crawled out from under her skirt and said, ‘I can’t thank you enough   Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq ….’

The nun said, ‘I understand completely.’

The soldier added, ‘I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!’

The nun replied,  ‘If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair  of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq  either !!

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow…right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin — in every vay.

The doctor told him, “Olaf, I’ll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together…quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olaf…you’re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.” Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

“Look at dis Lena … still in DA CRATE!”