Slay.me

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, “Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Nescafe man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

“My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”

The Nescafe guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer… We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.”

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

“There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”

“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the WonderBread account.”

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

“This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.   You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.   The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”   Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea.   The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

“Idiots…Hebrew is read from right to left… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick”

Two  women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed  directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one  of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the  ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man,  and immediately began to apologize.. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical  Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told  him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man  replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping  his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed  her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened  his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage  for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

Feels great, he  replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!