Archive for the ‘Heaven Jokes’ Category

05
Mar

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched  their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to  Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for  the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another  holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter  escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion,  furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a  waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging  their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment  when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ‘Why,  nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf  course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony..

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can play for free,  every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with  every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks  to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is  all free for you to enjoy.’

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the  decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can eat and  drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get  fat or sick.   This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your fucking Bran Flakes.   We could have been here ten years ago !!!!

23
Dec

Slay.me Joke of the DayThree  men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at  the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’  Saint Peter said,  ‘You must each possess something  that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The  first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a  lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he  said.

‘You may pass through the pearly  gates’ Saint Peter said.

The  second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of  keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re  bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the  pearly gates’.

The third man started searching  desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled  out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at  the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘ And just what do those symbolize?’

The man  replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And  So The Christmas Season Begins……

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27
May

Slay.me Joke of the DayA couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

” Marion … Marion ”

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the  warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again.  Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”

“No………..I’m a rabbit in Arizona!”

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