Slay.me

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “How are things going?”
“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, so I can’t make honey.”
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.”
“Thanks for the tip!” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table! I made my quota easily.”
“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

A Jewish guy in a London Hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken  English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number  “266419”.

A short time later there is a knock at the door, and, when he  opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him:  “Are you the guy who ordered: “two shikses for one night?””

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?”

Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:  “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw him.”