12
Jul

Dad at the Mall


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,

“What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

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10
Jul

The High Priced Hooker


The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

May I help you sir?”  she asked.

The man replied,  “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row”. Where are you from?”

The man replied, “Great Falls.”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Great Falls.”

“I know.” the man said.  “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death

2.  Taxes; and

3.  Being screwed by a lawyer

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22
Jun

Little Johnny & the Honeymooners


Joke of the Day

Fred and Larry got married in California. They couldn’t afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, “No.”

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Larry up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Larry up yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “OK, now tell me what you think.”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think…… I gave him my airplane glue.”