Slay.me

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked  up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of  one ofthe horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation ‘

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked upand hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman..

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey, ‘she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce

An old man and woman  hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn’t worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, “Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!”