Slay.me

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah  Winfrey. Oprah asked,’ Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.’

Mr. Burns said, ‘I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.’

Oprah said, ‘I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.’

George said, ‘Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.’

Oprah said, ‘I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?’

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, ‘I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarka ble man.’

George said, ‘The second time is even better than the first tim”

Oprah said, ‘You can really do it again at your age?’

George said, ‘Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.’

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, ‘Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!’

George said That the third time would be even better. ‘You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.’

Oprah said, ‘Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?’

George said, ‘No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!’

The missus was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walked in; she turned to him and said, You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘This is my lucky day!’

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her And then gave it his all, Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, “Thanks,” And returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained,

“The egg timer’s broken.”

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ‘Have you been in the service?’

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Vietnam for three years.’

The interviewer says, ‘That will give you extra points toward employment’ and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, ‘Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’

The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. I can hire you right now.  The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?’

‘This is a government job’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.’