Slay.me

There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor says to them, “We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don’t believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves.”

The Japanese guy yells “Banzai!” and commits hari-kari.

The French guy yells “Vive la France!” and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells, “There’s your fucking canoe!”

An elderly couple go to a physician complaining of non-specific sexual dysfunction, and ask the doctor if he will watch them having sex to determine if anything is wrong.

After their romantic session, the MD assures them that everything seems fine and sends them on their way.

One week later, they are back with the same complaint, and perform under his judgemental eye once more.

Again, everything seems perfectly normal and he tells them so.

Again, in one week’s time, they appear and have sex while he watches. The MD, confused, tells them “Look, this is the third time you’ve been in here, and NOTHING is wrong with the way you make love! What’s really going on here?”

“Well,” the elderly gentleman replies, “you see, we’re both married, but not to each other. So I can’t go to her place, and she can’t go to my place. Now Howard Johnson’s charges $45 for a room, but you charge $35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30% of this to Medicare.”

It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel peers off a cloud, looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why, it’s a rabbi. And he’s playing golf on Yom Kippur.

“Lordy, lordy, there’s a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year…” the angel cries, as he jabs big G in the ribs.

“…Whatcha gonna do ?”

“Oh, I’ll fix him, watch this!” cackles the Lord.

So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher, higher, higher, and then it seems to stop in mid air, and then slowly accelerate back down towards… towards… towards…? Towards the hole, and PLUNK, a hole in one.

“Hey, I thought you were going to punish him. He just got a hole in one!” complains the angel.

“You don’t understand…” replies God, “…who can he tell??”