jokes's page

15
Dec

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen”.
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, “What do you believe?”
Hillary says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Hillary’s high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies,  “I believe you’re in my seat.”

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08
Dec

Three  men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at  the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season”  Saint Peter said,  “You must each possess something  that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The  first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a  lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he  said.

“You may pass through the pearly  gates” Saint Peter said.

The  second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of  keys.  He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching  desperately through his pockets and finally pulled  out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at  the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man  replied, “These are Carol’s.”

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18
Nov

jokeoftheday-santaMiss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties, had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!