Slay.me

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly – “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Sure!” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m Pastor Fluff.”

The barkeep said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake.  Paddy stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled brown eyes and said, “That would be because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen.  You were born in August, you idiot.

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.

‘Yeah right!’ she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!