Slay.me

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $4.00
HAMBURGER: $7.00
CHEESEBURGER: $9.00
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $9.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

Will the old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of The night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night
and  sarcastically asked,
“Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?”
I said,  “There’s a tap underneath, taste it.”

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a  few pounds, got a shave,
and got your hair cut, you’d look pretty  good.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be over there talking to your friends.”

***

I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks
and saw a fat  chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled  and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said “Definitely, most  tables would have collapsed by now. ”

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on  then…  try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose  patience.
“Come on, what day was I born”?
I said, “Yesterday.”