Slay.me

At dawn the telephone rings,

“Hello, Señor Rod? This  is Ernesto, the caretaker  at your country house.”

“Ah  yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I  am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn!

That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he  die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the  water cart.”

“Are you insane?? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle  fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?? Are you  saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!”

“Yes, Señor Rod..”

“But there’s electricity at the house!!  What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Rod”, she  showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit  her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . ..

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!”

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

Staff:       Golf course , may I help you?
Caller:    What are your green fees?
Staff:     38 dollars.
Caller:   Does that include golf?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you.  First, is this
your correct phone number?

Staff:       Golf course , may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, we have a   tee time   for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late.  Can you still get me out early?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of
golf balls   and hit them for practice?
Staff:     You mean a   driving range ?
Caller:   No, that’s not it..,,,

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Yes, I’d like to get a   tee time tomorrow   between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff:      Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller:    Yes.
Staff:      We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:    Do you have any   open tee times   around 10 o’clock?
Staff:      Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller:    What’s the next time after that?
Staff:      We have one at 10:22.
Caller:    We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   How much to play golf today?
Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller:   38 dollars?
Staff:     No, 38 yen.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff:     What time would you like?
Caller:   What times do you have?
Staff:     What time of the day?
Caller:   Any time.
Staff:     Morning or afternoon?
Caller:   Whenever.
Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon.  Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller:   No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a dress code?
Staff:     Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller:   How about clothes?
Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff:     Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff:     Sure, what time would you like?
Caller:   Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock.  In the morning, if possible.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you rent   golf clubs   there?
Staff:     Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller:   How much to rent a bag?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s
on the 15th hole.  How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff:     Yes.
Caller:   How much for a large bucket?
Staff:     Four dollars.
Caller:   Does that include the balls?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff:     Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller:   And what time does that start?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:   Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?
Caller:   I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?
Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.  Would you like to buy them back?