Archive for the ‘Health Jokes’ Category


Getting Old and Going to Heaven

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched  their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to  Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for  the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another  holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter  escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion,  furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a  waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging  their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment  when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ‘Why,  nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf  course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony..

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can play for free,  every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with  every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks  to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is  all free for you to enjoy.’

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the  decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.

That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can eat and  drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get  fat or sick.   This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your fucking Bran Flakes.   We could have been here ten years ago !!!!


Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The moral of the story:
Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.


Women’s Health Joke Joke of the DayI went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I replied..

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked: “Your height?”
“5 feet, 6 inches,” I answered.

The nurse checked and saw that
I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.

She then took my blood pressure
and told me that it’s very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed.
“When I came in here
I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

She put me on Prozac..

What a bitch!

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