Slay.me

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.

The newlyweds call the groom’s mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother’s advice, but still nothing comes to mind.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!”

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “I’ve got my nose in her armpit — now what?”

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named  Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a  spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he  invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude  he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second,  frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the  rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,  “You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,  cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he  was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet  again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end  together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted,  Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks  into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”

Barely  able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, “No, I Norwegian”.

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real “miser” when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife…”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an Italian Catholic & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.”

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”