Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category

Aug Joke of the DayA Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

“Twenty dollars” she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’s makin’ love to me wife!”, the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.

“Oh! I’m sorry”, says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well, neidder did I, ’til ya shined that light in ‘er face!”

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Jun Joke of the DayRing, Ring…  Hello?”

Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief pause

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy,that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.

“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?” He asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and  ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.  But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water
last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …………

is this “486-5731?”

No, I think you have the wrong number…….

May Joke of the DayThe lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve    just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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