Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category

01
Apr

Joke of the DayAn 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his prostrate examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!

‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

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22
Feb

NurseThe doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have terminal cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have terminal cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a champagne.’

After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more champagnes.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,

‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  Why did you do that?’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

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06
Jan

Slay.me Joke of the DayA man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.”

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