Archive for the ‘Old People Jokes’ Category

16
Dec

jokeoftheday-santaIn a Jewish retirement home lived Murray and Hilda. They got to know each other over time and spent long hours getting to know each other.  Eventually, they became a couple, sitting together in the sun
every afternoon, holding hands…

One day Murray says to Hilda, “I know we’re to old to “do it” but another thing I really miss is having the woman in my life just holding my penis in her hands.  Makes me feel wanted and loved.”

Hilda say, “Sure, I would love to do that.”

So, time goes on and every afternoon the two of them sit out by the pool on a chaise lounge with Hilda tenderly holding Murray’s pecker in her hands…. Every day, every afternoon.

One day, going to meet for their afternoon session, Hilda can’t find Murray anywhere. She looks everywhere and asks everyone if they’ve seen him… No one’s seen him.

So, Hilda goes back by the pool area and decides to look in the poolside cabanas in the off chance he fell asleep…. She looks inside a few of them and lo and behold, she finds Murray inside with Sarah, sitting
together, with Murray’s pecker firmly in  Sarah’s hand……

Well, Hilda is outraged.  She starts screaming at the both of them, so much so that Sarah runs away… She then confronts Murray, wanting to
know why he betrayed her this was.  Murray had nothing to say, just took the verbal abuse….

Finally, Hilda summoned up all her nerve and screamed, “What’s Sarah go that I haven’t got?”

Murray composed himself, and finally said:

PARKINSON’S

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13
Dec

jokeoftheday-santaWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship…

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do fart a lot.”

Senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

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18
Aug

Joke of the DayA six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!

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