Posts Tagged ‘poop’
20
Mar

A nice old lady was shopping in the Supermarket where she picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.  They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.  The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

Don’t mess with old people.

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05
Jul

Slay.me Joke of the DayA Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk.  I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman.  ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

OK, ‘ she said.  ‘Those could be interesting topics.  But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?’

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?

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18
Mar

Slay.me Joke of the DayIt was Entertainment Night at the Old Folks home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:

‘I’m here to put you all into a trance – I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

As the polished metal gleamed in the light, Claude the hypnotist said:

‘I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch…

It’s a very special watch…

It’s been in my family for six generations’.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

‘Watch the watch,  watch the watch,  watch the watch…’

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

‘SHIT!’ said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home…

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