Slay.me

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

What was General Washington’s favourite tree?

The infantry

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?

At the chopping mall!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?

I gotta get a softer saddle!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?

The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

What’s red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest.. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”  (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. In Redmond WA )

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule .”  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp
Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”   (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”  (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.

“Abie, we have to move to Westchester ,” said Sadie.

“We can’t”, said Abie. “This neighborhood is our life. We’ve been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too.”

Sadie says, What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We’re Jews. No Catholic articles!!!”

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, “OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue .”

Abie: “Hello, Catholic Supply House on Park Avenue ? This is Abie And Sadie’s on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads – what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes… and I need those things here tomorrow.”

“OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don’t deliver… …it’s Shabbos.”