Slay.me

An old guy walks into  a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch.  The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference.  The guy downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old!  I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.  The guy drinks it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch.  I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.   By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.  Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, “Now this is forty-year old Scotch!”  The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this.”

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God!  That tastes like piss,” he yells.

“Great guess,” says the drunk.  “Now, how old am I?”

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

A traveling salesman drove into a  small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss  The Amazing Jew.’

The intrigued  salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big  Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.  Standing next to it was an old Jewish Man wearing a name tag with  the name ‘Morty’ written on it.

Suddenly,  Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest penis any man  could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty  swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish  man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava  Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same  little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign  that read, ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Jew’.

He couldn’t  believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his  act!  He bought a ticket.  Again, the center ring was  illuminated.  This time, however, instead of walnuts, three  coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before  them.  Suddenly, the drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and  smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The  crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a  meeting with Morty after the show.  ‘You’re incredible’ he  told Morty, ‘but I have to know something.  I saw your act 15  years ago and you were using walnuts.  Why the switch from  walnuts to coconuts ?’

‘Vell I tell ya sompin,’ said  Morty, ‘my eyes ain’t vat day used to be’