The Redneck went to the hospital As his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the nurse says “Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys.”
The Redneck says, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney.”
The nurse replies, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned. The babies are all black.”
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled brown eyes and said, “That would be because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you idiot.
A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.